Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
