it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
