did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
