Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
