I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize