This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
