May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
