What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
