You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
