i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
