oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
