I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
