Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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