dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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