Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
