Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
