my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
