I think scott just propositioned me for sex
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
