I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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