Don't make out with my wife yet
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
