1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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