I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
