I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
