Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
