I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize