She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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