Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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