So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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