I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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