I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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