im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize