I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
