I faked an abortion last night.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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