Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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