I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
