got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
