i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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