how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize