Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
sarcasm needs its own font
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
