Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Did I show you my penis last night?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
