this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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