Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
