Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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