You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
