Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
