I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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