This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
