I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
