I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
