Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
