Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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