Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
