i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
